im a nightmare

readers, i literally think that im such a useless daughter. i love my dad n my mom so much at the level that i cant really described. i've been very naughty and rebellious and always make them furious. the thing is sumtimes im angry with the world. im angry with myself and i dont know what i shud do to express all my anger and my sadness. ive been living in pain and i dont know how to change it. sumtimes i feel like i couldnt cope with it anymore. so i do things that could at least makes me forget the pain which is going to a club, partying and basically getting drunk with friends. i know its not a right way to solve my problems. but im not finding any better solutions.

i hate it if i have to follow all the rules my parents' made. call me selfish but i didnt ask them to deliver me to this world and grew up as a reckless kid who likes to do stupid things. one hundred thousand sorries still not enough. it's as if they live in grudge or sumthin. im tired. im extremely tired of his attitude towards me. he seemed to be so mad everytime he's talkin to me and hell it's hurting me so bad. i cried lots and lots of time. has he ever think about my feelings? about how it feels to be me?! im the one who always wrong, always. im reaching one point where i just wanna walk away from everything and have my lil own life.

i know deep inside dat my parents love me. but the way they treated me sometimes and the way they talked to me arent really showing love. i know im not a good daughter, and im often letting them down with all my acts like goin home at midnite, spendin lots of money, etc. but for once, dont they ever think that i love them so much too? do they know that ive to let go of everything i wanted in this life, my dream because of them and because i care abt them that much?! sriously i cant bear this anymore im crying.

it's just... why do they have to say something that always hurt my heart so much? whatever words that came out from their mouth, i will never ever forget because it lefts my heart a scar. i want a happy life, a happy family, and a supportive family. a family that never break your heart. a family that accept you for who you are. a family that can forgive.. a family that believe in God.

water and a flame

i've been missing him like crazy and i dont know why, it's just every time i talk to him, my heart beats so ridiculously fast.
well the feeling that i have for this guy is somehow funny and weird in the same time.
i dont deal with distance whatsoever, so i just admire him from here. and nothing more to say
he's been nice to me, once or twice he talks to me and ask me how im doing. and it's just nice
but the fact that im not capable to reach him, i chose to move back. i dont wanna hurt myself by giving me some hope while i know there's never a hope in the first place.

it's just him with his lil good life over there. and i just cant compete. i cant compete...
but it's making me sick coz everyday i just simply think of him.
and i know im just wasting my time waiting! but what can i do?
it's just we're like water and flame. we cant be together.. no matter what.

he's too hard.. and out of reach.

lil sweet escape to singapore

dear readers, from 9/12-14/12-2009 i went to singapore particularly to come to the biggest end-of-the-year event (ZOUK OUT!!!). i had so much fun in singapore and i dont wanna go home yet. well, the first night i arrived in singapore, my bestfriend took me to a new club in town, butter factory. i had so much fun over there, the song and the crowd are crazy. i was simply overwhelmed. after spending the whole night in butter factory, we changed direction to zirca, another cool club in singapore. i got hell of crazy experience dat nite! we hopped to a total stranger cars we dont even know them that well. i mean, come on, they're strangers!! but we had a good chitchat with them (we're very tipsy) and we think they're nice people. and we're right. they wanna give us ride back home, but we said no, we went home by taxi that nite feeling so happy!! (thanks to the alcohol).

i also went to clarkequay, esplanade bay to have that delicious warm chocolate cake in max benner, and chimes (such a nice place to hang out with friends, just talking and enjoying the beer), merlion(singapore icon), sentosa beach, orchard (ion mall, obanyaki in taka food court!). geez i love everything about singapore. and last but not least i wwent to zouk out this crazy event for all young people in town. so many djs are coming n they were so awesome especially armin van buuren. i'll be back for this event again next yer i promise!! 

here's some pics of my lil trip to singapore:

a moment we'll treasure, a wedding

when we're fall in love, we're making a commitment with our bf/gf. we're taking one step ahead than everybody else by telling dat we're taken. and afterward when we feel very comfortable enough with the person we're dating, we fell for her/him completely, and it's when we take another big step ahead, which is an engagement. when we're engaged, we're not just making a very serious long-term commitment my friend, but we're about to give our whole life, spend it forever with him/her. and while we're finally ready for that big commitment, then i believe we're also more than ready to take the last convincing step which is to get married.

married will never be describable. in my imagination, married is a really beautiful thing, such a pretty dream for every women who're in love. and honestly im one of those women who fall for a sparkling story of marriage. i adore its beauty, its honesty, its trust, and its strength. when i helped my friend to prepare for her marriage, i feel her strong aura, her beauty in every mimic she gave. yes, i adore people who're in love.

i don't care if love sometimes hurt so bad, but when you see the brides coming into the ballroom, you'll just see that love is a magnificent gift from God. you'll just burst into tears the moment you see her face, giving a full of happiness feeling. God is very kind.

here's some of picts of my friend's wedding:

my summer holiday

traveling abroad is one of my favorite thing to do. i like to travel and i wish i could travel to all around the world and see the spectacular views of each places and of course for relaxing. simply said, i appreciate all the variances each country has and really want to learn at least one or more thing about its culture. this summer i went to Bali with my friends, spent a week over there and had lots experiences. and on september i went to hongkong, macau, and china for three weeks. nothing really special though, just went shopping, lots of family times and yeah basically not doin so much things there. almost all my aunts are there so we had lots of family time and had fun once in a while. there's my nephew too, and he's totally cute. he's 1 year and a half but he talks like a two and a half yer old boy which is why i love him even more. anyway, i wasnt only remember several streets in hongkong but i also experienced the food. i ate the most popular curry fishball and love it so much!! i also went to china, dont know what's the name of the place but it's my grandpa's village. it's a small village... nuthing's really attract me there. here's some of my holiday pics:

at china, my grandpa's village


mom and i at a temple


me with aunts


seems he wanna say sumthin.. ;D


me and the doraemon lantern, at mooncake celebration


hongkong mooncake celebration





at the chucrh wall


macau


causeway bay/times squares


william sweetheart


with aunts and mom








with william :)

Padang in grief

there's nothing more heartbreaking than to see tons of people are dead and suffering from one of the very deadly catastrophe on earth, an earthquake. Indonesia is one of the worst that dealing with catastrophes. tsunami, earthquake, volcano and flood are four of the most heavy disasters that had happened in this country. a very stabbing reality that we couldn't avoid. everyone's praying and sinking to a very solemn space of their own without compromising. how God has created us into a living being is very beautiful and amazing, but how humans build and run all things He made for us is really not honorable. humans are made to make the earth glows and what we do is mostly the other way around. so while the earth is not taken care properly, of course it will tumble and resulting an awful consequences that we finally have to deal with. it's not just a disaster but also a warning to every one of us to just be a loving and caring people who actually really care about this world. or it could be a sign from God who wants us to see that He's sad with what we did to His creations. Padang was hit by a very extreme earthquakes 7,6 SR strong very recently. Everything is broken and nothing worth left. when i saw pictures and videos of it i mourned and really couldn't say a word. i kept thinking how shock and sad must be those people who are dying inside the crushing building, who are trying to save their life, and of course who missed their family whom they love so much. oh God, show us your pity and forgive us for all mistakes we've made.

if you wanna know more:
http://regional.kompas.com/read/xml/2009/09/30/20033875/berita.foto.kepanikan.saat.gempa.sumbar

i have a dream, and i believe everybody does too

since i was a lil kid, i wasn't considered as the most outstanding kid in class. in fact, i had always been the average. actually it's not so bad to be the average because you don't need to clench your fists every time the teacher calls on your name and ask you to solve math problems. it's simply because you don't need a perfection. yeap! perfection is all what matter to almost every smart kids in class. their splendid grades gave them so much pressures to be the most perfect one. well sometimes it's good for building their character, such as to be an optimistic person. but sometimes it could backfires and make them lose their self confidence. nevertheless, everyone of us has a dream! a dream that each one of us wishes to be accomplished one day. when i was a kid, i played a lot, didn't care even a bit on how to achieve my dream or how to get there. everything was a blur and i knew i still got lots of time so i need not to bother it. commonly, kids wanna be a doctor or a teacher in the future. they don't dream big enough because they just haven't learned lots enough. however as the time goes by, all of us grow up and become very critical in our way of thinking. we've been given the idea on how to face or solve problems, how to take care of small and big things in so many ways. and our dreams grow bigger.

and now here i am. im twenty years old and got lots of thinking going in and out of my brain and im truthfully proud of it. im trying to be focus and concentrate on what im doing which is not just to be a successful career woman but also a successful human being. what i mean is i personally love to work and love to spend my time doing lots of productive things because it makes me feel useful and independent but i'd also like to be a person with a more good-helping heart because it also matters a lot for me.

i like to work in something that involves many people, not just because it's fun but also it's good for us to learn how to be patient and how to handle every problems more maturely. in here, that's not exactly what im trying to convey. the thing i wanna say is that i have a dream, which is to be a successful career woman who earns lots of money and not even doubt a bit to spend it on something wise. i consider giving money to a charity is wise, helping poor people is wise, building free school for poor kids is wise, giving whatever your parent's needs is wise, entertaining sick and old people so they'd feel lots happier is wise, etc. and i bet you also have at least one dream you really wish to achieve one day, right? i am now in my process of getting what i want and it's certainly not easy. we'll have to struggle through a lot of problems along the way. but don't be afraid! all of us will eventually stand at this point where we have to think that no matter how bad things will happen in the future, we have to always raise our heads up and don't ever give up on something we believe. we have to learn to put as many expectations as possible and be not afraid of falling. thing that will also help us is to learn how to redeem a big disappointment when things don't go our way.

it's never late to dream big. start now! dream of what you wanna be! don't be scared to fly and explore the sky. people might say bad things about us, they intend to make us fail. but don't we care about a single thing they say! its not about them it's about us! i believe if we stay focus and always be responsible to what we do since now and then, we will get the result. and i have faith that if i've already tried so hard, there must be something positive in returns. whatever that positive things might be, i believe it's a process of learning and i wont regret a thing.

why my mother is the best mother in the world

do you have a favorite hero? if you do, then who is it? if it's in a cartoon, my heroes would be sailor moon. but if it's in a real life, then my hero is my own mother. yes, she is my superhero and i really wanna be like her. a mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. and my mother is of course a very extraordinary one because besides she's a career woman she's also a loving and caring mother. my mom, she is not lady like she's far from that. simply also not like the other mothers who've got lots of times to go shopping and make themselves look pretty all the time. she's just not that type of woman for sure. she doesnt care if she has dry skin on her foot, if all her nails look awful, if her hair is short like a boy, if people talk something bad about her, if she goes out wearing only t-shirt and jeans all the time also with no make up, if she goes to a party wearing the same clothes she wore last week, if she never bring a purse everywhere she goes, if she's not smell like a walking flower. she is just the perfect plain mother who work very hard to earn money and make all the family members happy. as far as i know, she is the most cohesive person i've ever met in my entire life because she never gives up to anything as if she always has a dream to chase. and i admire her very very much.

she wakes up every day every morning to pack all the selling clothes and then she's off to work. well she owns a clothing shop and has been taken care of it for quite a really really long time. i guess it's been 20 years or even more. yes she's an impressive leader with a highly regarded mind and spirit. she is a good model for every hard working mother because she proved that all women dont need to fear even a bit feelings of being independent. she's the one who taught me that to be independent is not as scary as it looks because if we know the key which are strength and self confidence, we'll do great. not only she's an amazing career woman, she's also a wonderful mother fully because although she is so busy with her work she's still mantaining some time to talk to us, go out and eat ice cream and care for our simple needs.

she's also a loving wife. she has a good heart and she's showing it to us by never complaining if she's the one who always have to go to work. im so lucky to have a mother like her in my life. all i wanna learn about being a good bestfriends, good leader, good mother is all in her. she's totally shining and make an outstanding mother compare to others. and yeah she might not be the coolest mom or the most stylish mom ever but that's not very much essential because she is just far more precious than all that trashy stuffs. her self-character is what most women do have to learn.

why my father is the best father in the world

what is a father to us? is he just a person who care for you since you were a baby or is he meant something a lot more than that? before anything else, my dad is not like the other common dad who are always off to work every morning and dont do the household work. my dad on the other hand is a decent man who just chose to stay at home and do the househusband things, if that's what a proper word to use-househusband. anyway, he is an adorable man who really love his kids and wanting to spare lots of his times taking care of the kids. my father is an angel sent from heaven.

he makes breakfast (fish/beef porridge with eggs on it-chicken fried rice-vegetables soup-omelette-etc), lunch (blackpepper beef-chicken soup- char kway teow-drunken chicken-wonton noodle soup-hainan chicken rice-butter fried chicken-prawn&mushrooms-sweet&sour fried fish-rendang-fish meatballs-beef tofu-steamed oyster crab-seaweed soup-pork chop-yellow chicken soup- red chicken soup-corn soup-fried shrimp in butter-shark's fin soup-etc etc), dinner. he also can make soya milk, medicine soup, chinese health tea. he cuts fruits for us, cooks for us, supervises our behaviour and makes jokes with us. Although he often get angry, but i know he never stop loving us because we are what's important for him the most. it's amazing to have a dad like him because we know it seldom to have a dad who can cook lots of foods and actually care to ask us what food we wanna eat that day and also for the next. he would also picked us up from school, take us to the tutor school afterwards, buy us lots of bread and food. he just doesnt want us to get hungry and he doesnt like too see us skinny because he cares about our health. he sacrifices his ego so we can get whatever we want. everytime we wanna buy something unimportant, he would jabbered a lot but in the end he always gives us the money. he always tells us that as a family we have to look for each other, sincere each other and protect each other as well. also to never get envy, mad, or do injustice to each other. he's just really a good man who wants us to love each other in the family with no boundaries. he is also the one who come to the parents meeting in my school, gets to meet my teacher and take my annual report. he also helps my mom in her clothing shop, so he sometimes take care of two or three things together and never complaining. i know he's not perfect, he must be tired too especially since he opened wallet bird nest business out of town his schedule becomes more tight. but he still cares and still bother to ask us about small things we've been doing lately. those are only little things he does to make his family happy but it does work like magic. we feel his love and the love grows even bigger than before. man! i just feel so blessed to have a dad like him. now that he's old and time keeps on moving i would like to capture every moment together with him because i know what will matters most is the memory that we're gonna keep forever.

my 20th birthday wishlists

cant believe im turning 20 tomorrow. and my birthday wish lists so far are:

1. Pommier - Balenciaga bag


2. Blackberry Bold



3. Melissa's jelly shoes

women and men

most women are impulsive. they tend to listen what their heart is trying to tell them and believe me the results are not always good. in fact, it almost never do any good for us. women are easily affected and sometimes we just wanna forget or pretend to forget that we have some logic that would probably help us out from a disaster we might caused if doing what our heart tells. we just like to play around so dangerously even if we know that we might get hurt.

are we women insane or what? we just took whatever chances we've got merely to pull ourselves closer to that guy while that guy might not feels the same way about us. but we dont really care do we? as long as we are passing our signs to him correctly we'll do just fine. yeah dats what we often think about how relationship will work. but these isn't just the thing i wanna discuss over here anyway. i am more concern about how we're gonna handle the situation when the guy we have a crush on is just not into us. when the guy we like doesn't like us back then it will be a complete misery. i've experienced such things before and it feels completely awful. but the thing that i really don't get is why almost all woman just couldn't be honest when giving advice to their friends.

when i was having such a terrible love stake about guys, my friends would support me by telling "well maybe he's just... this... and.. that..." and i was just stood in silence and pretended she was right about the whole thing, but actually deep down in my heart i know that all the things she said is nonsense. the guy is just not into me! dat's it. that's the right answer. it's as simple as that. sometimes i hate why women couldn't be brave enough to embrace their sad friends and to tell the truth about what they're really thinking.

yes i know that most of women don't wanna hurt their own best friends by telling the truth, i dont know whether you are the type of woman who just couldn't bear the truth or not, but i could convince you that im not that kind of woman! i want people to tell me the truth even if it hurts so bad! i need the truth because dat's what will help me to move on otherwise i'll be stuck thinking about him and will never let him go because im still giving my hopes up towards him who doesnt even care about me.

 i dont know when these not-telling-the-truth tradition will stop but i really wanna change it particularly because it's not helping each other. women think too much about love. we're just too innocent to see what will men do if they're the one who have a crush on us because we're too busy trying and hoping that it might actually work. well i am as weak as the other women when it comes to love, but ive learnt that it's better not to be needy. i know it's killing both you and me. but please try not to be weak when you're head over heels.

fairy tales and their happy ending

whom from all of you that ever dislike the story of all time princesses in Disney? it was every girl's dream to be one of them, to have a life that look like them, and of course have a very happy endings in the end of their life. the more i think about how perfect disney's life stories could be, the more i wanna throw up. there's no such thing as happy ending people! wake up and don't be too optimistic about how you would end up be in love and be loved by someone who you truly love. i hope you get what i mean. yes life is for quite some time is perfect nevertheless it won't be perfect forever if you know what i mean. there must be some troubles coming and not all of us could survive because ironically every bits of another troubles could definitely change our perception about life. i'm not only talking about love but also about other bullshits about life. i just learnt something today to not put too much hopes on something you really wish for because it's too dangerous. it's consuming our trust and is going to leave a permanent mark if it turns out to be such a very disappointment for you in the end. so whatever you hope for or you long for just don't put too much hopes because once you is betrayed, there will be no ways to fix the miscalculation. so yeah basically i hate the stories of disney's princesses, they are only real in fiction and since now and then i won't trust those magical dusts that according to the kingdom of Disney can forever change our life.

to father and mother

i've been sitting for hours, thinking and feeling so heavyhearted that i am such an ungrateful child who just want everything and do anything i like without even bother about their feelings. today was just like the other day, normal and gent. things that was different is the way i see them because it seems that i was incompetent to open my eyes and see the reality that they're getting a little too older now. when i saw my dad's white hair and his obvious seen wrinkle skin i was buttoned up and couldn't say anything aside from turning my heads down and looked away. it's a heartbroken and i wanted to change things to alter them into a younger living being without knowing how. the most distressing part is that i just realized that i was too busy fooling around and of course i dont wanna end up like not knowing my own parents and be one of those people who don't talk to their own families. this is not kidding but i honestly want to spend more times with them because i know i dont have lots of time anymore because soon it'd be too late to regret.

my ultimate dream cars

Land Cruiser 200 ZX 4.6

Nissan Fairlady 370 Z



BMW X6



E 350 Coupe


Audi TTS 2.0T FSI Quattro

this and that. whatever i do recently

i've been watching the mentalist for the sake of the jobless-years i have. it's a well watching tv series and im assuring you that you barely will get bored. basically it's about a group of detective who work for CBI in united states and they are such an amazing detective to say that they are solving every mystery murders they encountered. some say it's a cheesy series but so far i find it surprisingly cool. well it made me stay at home for two days straight what more shall i say?
also disturbingly i've been reading the book called the mysterious benedict society. it's an entertaining book for kids and yet i found it so interesting too. there's a fantasy here and there and will never need you to think hard on it. yet it's so full of good morality. i promise you will never hate this book.

l o v e

i know love hurts most of the times and some people wish they were not in love at all so they won't ever get hurt. but seriously, you will never capable of escaping from love because it's in us. we might wanna run when love doesn't compromise very well but we shall not ever run if the love we've been waiting for is just right in front of us. one thing that i will always set in mind is that people need love even if it's hurtful sometimes. especially for women, we just couldn't survive without love around us, love from our boyfriend. it's love that keeps us alive whether you like it or not. and love has no boundaries, you can love anyone and the biggest is not only for boyfriend but also for family.

and love based on my point of view is that it doesn't want people it love to get hurt because we just cant stand the pain. losing them is just intolerable and i will suffer till death. it's a selfish assertion but i believe you and me just have the same thing in mind when it comes to those whom we love so much, anything we will do to keep them around. and i'm not God i couldn't predict the future but at least i could pray for them who i love. i believe in God and i believe in His love. love is truly a blessing and it's just a waste if we're not trying to welcome it into our life. we have to never give up on love. As the bible has taught us that the quality of love is truly universal - as it literally transcends peoples, nations and religions. Love is truly the universal language of this world and people from all different walks of life recognize it for what it truly is and understand the power that is in it.

be in love!

New cellphone

Nokia 2860 Slide.

well this phone is not exactly the phone i wanted. i want a blackberry bold but instead i'm getting these. it's okay though my mom bought it for me because i recklessly threw away my old battery cellphone. awkwardly the first time i saw this phone i just fell in love! i have to say that its very convenience and very simple, that's all what i need.

it's raining again

readers, lately the weather is so horrible. It rains almost every night and it's so depressing. So, obviously i hate rain! Some people might probably like it when it rains but not with me. I find it so miserable, the sky is so gloomy and it's like the end of the world. It's may and i'm expecting a better weather like cloudy and sunny. i think it has sumthin to do with global warming. (sotoy)

little messages for my daddy

readers, this post is dedicates to my dearest dad. my heart is in pain. i know i made too many mistakes and could never forgive myself. i know i disappoint him very much and i hurt him so deeply that he would never ever forget it. i really wish he knows how much i love him although i know it will not be the same anymore. i know it's extremely heartbreaking to see your daughter turning into a bad person, a person with such a bleak past. im not perfect and im tired living like this, living in pain. readers, i really wish there's a thing called time machine. i just wanna go and change everything and start my life from the beginning again. i kno he would never love me like he used to be but its okay, i know i dont deserve a second chance. i really hope time cures everything coz i really love him and want to make my relationship with him a lot better than before.

things i love to do

watch dvds.

play computer.

listen to the music.

daydreaming.

doodling.

eat junk food.

dance.

read novels and magazines.

swim.

hang out with friends.

karaoke.

go to SPA reflexology.

eat yoghurt with mochi toppings.

buy groceries.

go to library or bookstores.

listen to a radio.

shopping.

watch movies and eat popcorn.

act.

go to church alone.

go for a trip or holiday outside my country.

do a make up.

write a blog, poems and short stories.

pretend to be a presenter, newscaster and broadcaster.

playing around with kids.

google.

learn new things.

Arah kehidupan

Aku manusia paling berdosa.

Aku anak paling tidak berguna dan hidupku hancur tidak tertata.

Darimanakah aku harus memulainya?

Aku sedih, perasaanku hancur, dan aku membenci diriku sendiri..

Aku benci akan kebodohanku. 

Aku tidak memiliki pendirian yang kuat dan aku mengecewakan banyak orang disekitarku.

Aku tidak dapat menentukan pilihan yang baik untuk diriku sendiri.

Aku tidak dapat melihat dengan mata terbuka.

Aku hampir selalu mengikuti perasaan, dan tidak mengikuti logika yang seharusnya bisa membawaku menuju hasil yang baik.

Aku adalah wanita lemah yang tidak mengerti apa artinya merelakan, melepaskan, menahan perasaan dan tidak melakukan tindakan tindakan bodoh.

Terkadang ketika aku merenung dan berfikir, aku merasa aku tak layak.

Kebahagiaan yang selama ini aku cari begitu susah untuk didapatkan.

Mengapa?

Apakah semua ini karna aku tidak bersyukur dengan apa yang telah kudapat saat ini?

Ya Tuhan, kumohon jaga aku, lindungi aku, dan maafkan semua kesalahan yang telah kubuat yang membuatmu sedih.

Maafkan aku karna telah banyak mengecewakan Engkau, maafkan aku karna aku telah menjauh dari diriMu.

Maafkan aku karena kelalaianku yang telah menghindariMu ya Bapa.

Aku hanya manusia lemah ya Bapa, aku butuh diriMu sepenuhnya.

Terutama untuk menjagaku dalam setiap badai perjalanan hidupku.

Jangan Engkau lelah ya Bapa.

Jangan Engkau memejamkan mataMu ya Bapa.

Aku ingin hidupku berubah. 

Aku tidak mau menyakiti hati orang orang disekitarku, tetapi ketika setiap saat aku mencoba, aku selalu mengecewakan mereka? 

Hatiku pilu, penuh dengan luka. 

Pernah aku berfikir apa artinya hidup ini lagi? 

Terlebih ketika aku sedang mengalami tekanan yang begitu besar, yang begitu menyita segala pikiran dan begitu menyiksa hatiku.

Aku tak sanggup.

Jiwaku hampa.

Aku pun telah banyak membunuh kepercayaan yang telah diberikan orang tuaku. 

Aku merasa buruk.

Aku adalah makhluk yang sangat tidak mengerti artinya cinta dan kasih sayang.

Aku adalah manusia yang mati rasa. 

Aku benci melihat dan mendengar kesedihan mereka melihatku dan aku sangat merasa gagal.

Aku lelah mengadu, aku lelah menangis, aku lelah bersedih. 

Aku menjadi manusia yang bahagia, aku mau menyembuhkan lukaku ini. 

Aku mau ada sebuah perubahan, aku membutuhkan kekuatan untuk bertahan, melupakan masa lalu, melupakan apa yang pernah terjadi dalam hidupku, melupakan semua kepahitan hidupku.

Aku tidak menemukan sebuah karakter nyata dalam diriku, aku tidak tahu siapa sebenarnya aku. 

Aku ingin menyerah saja, aku lelah mencari. 

Aku terlalu lemah dan aku tidak mau lagi terlihat kuat.

Aku tidak mau lagi terlihat bahagia. karna semua itu hanya kepalsuan. 

Semua itu tidak nyata, karna hatiku penuh dengan luka membekas yang membuatku selalu hidup dalam sengsara, hidup dalam derita yang begitu pekat dan dalam, yang mendarah dalam diriku.

Aku butuh Engkau Bapa, penolongku, pemberi keselamatan dalam setiap perjalanan hidupku.

Aku percaya Engkau tidak pernah meninggalkanku...

Dan aku percaya Engkau akan beriku kekuatan.

Dalam nama Tuhan Yesus, aku berdoa...

April Fools and all dat

Nothing really special today except some of my friends tried to fool me and well indeed some of them succeed.

Actually it's just like another day, with some more fun.

I went to karaoke and after that I go to play badminton.

It's quite a night coz I'm trully very very tired.

Anyway, I hope this month will be better than March. I hope it'll be full of happiness and joy for once again.

For me, April is just a good month for love. I know it's weird but I just like April and Isimply don't know why.

To fill in my boring daily life, I've been watching dvds. lots and lots of dvds

Now I'm watching Korean drama called "Boys over flowers".

It's entertaining enough.

I love Korean dramas. They're just good, simple, funny and easy to watch.

And I love the main lead, he's a very cool and a very sweet guy.

Here's the cover guys, incase you wanna watch it:

Anyways, happy cheery crazy April fools people!

New music cds

I just bought 2 cds today.

First is Joanna Wang's new album. It's basically jazz.

And I love it.

"Joanna Wang- New Tokyo Terror"

And the second one is David Foster's compilation of songs.

It's basically pop.

And I love it too!

"You're the inspiration-the music of David Foster and friends"

Both cds are great.

Seriously, you have to listen to their albums. Promise you won't regret.

Very astounding, indeed.

Obsession

What a girl wants?

The picture below is simply showing of all women's passion.

Those aren't just a bag.

Those are a very priceless bag. Why? Because those came from a very popular designers from all around the world.

And it's not only the design that'd kill you.

But also the quality of the bag.

Obviously, expensive bags are different from cheap bags.

The quality of those expensive bags is unbeatable.

The leather, the fabric, the zipper.

and EVERYTHING in it is certainly different.

so I love those bags.

Although I haven't got one yet.

I will get those bags someday though. I promise this to you.

Whatever it takes, I'll try to get those bags.

Now is just not the time yet. I don't have that kind of money to buy it.

That's why I've to wait.

I really want to buy those bags with my own money.

Coz I know it feels good when you buy something with your own earnings.

My dream house

I've been thinking what kind of house I would like to build in the future, and of course the theme is my deepest concern.

For themes, I like something classic but not too old fashioned.

Something simple yet elegant. It's a lil bit touch reinnasance I guess.

I would like to build a really huge one with back and front garden in it.

For the designs, I'd like to have it with a bright yellow light, an old engraving art in the wall, tall and big pillars for the front door, lots of beautiful flowers to complete the corridors, lots of painting from popular artists in the wall, full carpet floor for almost every room, special sound system to fill in the air with a classical music, plus a back and front garden that filled by many kind of flowers and colors, with several birds to sing in the morning and in the afternoon.

I'd also like to have my own closets, that is huge. So, I could just put all my stuffs over there.

And a dressing room too.

With smells of flowery in the air.

Yeah, that would be very perfect for me.

Break a leg everyone. Especially for those who wants to have this kind of home.

You would need an extreme hard work to collect the money, and simply fulfill your dreams.

My Fashion Blog

http://fashion-ave.blogspot.com

I've released SEASON TWO yesterday.

It's quite a long work.

I hope people could give me their honest feedback.

Coz it's quite a process.

The basic themes of my second seasons are flowers and animal print.

Visit my fashion blogspot when you have times! =)

Broken Heart

"I wish someone could heal my wounds.

I don't wanna feel this pain anymore."

Agapanthus Flowers

Have you ever seen this flowers before?
It's called Agapanthus.
Well, the named Agapanthus comes from the Greek agap, meaning love, and anthos, meaning flower, translating broadly as the flower of love.

Usually, people know it as the Lily of the Nile, African Blue Lily, and African Lily.
According to http://www.theflowerexpert.com/content/growingflowers/flowersandseasons/agapanthus,

The genus, Agapanthus includes about 10 species. Agapanthus flowers bloom in large, round clusters or umbels of blue, white or violet- blue. The funnel shaped Agapanthus flowers gorw at the end of a thick 2 to 4 foot tall stem. The Agapanthus clusters measure about 6 to 8 inches across.

Agapanthus plants are native to South Africa, spreading across the Western Cape through to the Eastern Cape. Agapanthus grow in the shade from trees to get protection from the hot sun.

The Agapanthus africanus' anthers, like the petals, are bluish because the pollen is lilac in colour. Agapanthus africanus shares this characteristic with Agapanthus caulescens and Agapanthus coddii. Bees visit and pollinate the Agapanthus flowers. The Agapanthus seeds are dispersed by wind. Agapanthus africanus are lily-like blooms and come in clusters made up of many bell-shaped flowers. The Agapanthus clusters are globe-shaped or pendular. Agapanthus flowers are in various shades of blue, from a dusky, powder blue to an almost indigo-purple, but there are some white varieties as well.

Facts About Agapanthus

• Agapanthus is a showy widely grown plant for its exotic blue or white flowers that bloom from late spring until the beginning of autumn, depending on the species.
• The perennial Agapantus grow from an underground rhizome each year.
• The tender Agapantus africanus species is evergreen while the hardier Agapantus campanulatus species, coming from moister, mountain grasslands, have slightly smaller flowers and die down during winter and re-emerge again the following spring.
• Agapanthus is suspected of causing haemolytic poisoning in humans, and the sap causes severe ulceration of the mouth.
• Agapanthus contains several saponins and sapogenins that generally have anti-inflammatory (reduce swelling and inflammation), anti-oedema (oedema - swelling due to accumulation of fluid), antitussive (relieve or suppress coughing) and immunoregulatory (have influence on the immune system) properties.

I love flowers. They're so pretty.