Ash wednesday

Hi stranger,

Right now I'm at the Church waiting for the mass to start. It's Ash Wednesday today and I just knew from my friend last night. I felt so terrible. I wasn't always a religious person, but I do have time to time conversation with God. I think I always secretly talking to God or even think of Him and the world almost every minute. 

What can I say, I'm really a thinker and sometimes I wished I could be a happy go lucky person who seems to know it all and just being so chilled about it. It must be nice to have that kind of personality. I think I'm more like Charlie, the character in the Perks of being a Wallflower. I love that book. It's just I feel that I have so much similarity with him. 

The mass went quite peacefully. I was always get preoccupied with the silence and prayers in the Church. I might not be that religious but I truly believe in God. Of course I have a lot of fear in my life, but I believe that He really exists and He's watching us. Anyway, right after I went home, I went to go meditate with my boyfriend near my house. We love that place because it's the only meditation center in Jakarta (Or at least i think so). The place is so serene and calm, and it was far from the hectic street of Jakarta. So, it was actually quite nice there. The community is also very great, the people are really nice and real. So, I feel very comfortable. 

But that's not the point. The point is we can purely go there and rest our mind from our hectic day. And it's quite helping for me. I mean, my boyfriend and I have been contemplating our whole life about why we live and who we are. It is something that we felt inside us that is eager and wanting to experience and be the truth. My boyfriend, Brown, is very keen to his meditating and I am truly amazed on how a person could really dedicate his time to meditate and really seeking for the truth. For all I know, there are so many people whom really care less about finding their true self. 

Well, I just hope I myself shall find the truth, experience it and finally become enlighten. 

Love,

Sill.

Faith and Hope

Hi Stranger,

It's 1 o'clock in the morning and I still feel like writing. I am actually very tired right now and wish I can have that energy to go shower, but I'm just too lazy and I think I'm not that dirty. Anyway, I just got home from visiting my best friend who lives in the suburb area (Bintaro). Bintaro is actually quite far from my place but I'm glad that I could meet her and cheer her up a little bit.

So, Ginger is one of my best friend in high school, and we've been friends since then. She went to Seattle for college and for the past 3 years she didn't come back to Indonesia. People said 'Good things must come to an end eventually', and it might be what happened to Ginger. She really loves it there, and wished that she could live there instead of coming back to Jakarta. But sometimes things just don't go the way we would want it to. She has to finally go back to Indonesia for good because she couldn't find a job in Seattle. Maybe it is the way it is supposed to be. I think it's a good thing that she's coming back because she is the only child.

I am truly excited and happy that she's coming back to Jakarta, simply coz we haven't met each other for quite a long time. I'm super excited that she's back and really can't wait to catch up with her. 

Now that she's back, she has to face an even terrible news. Her father gets cancer and it's spreading really fast through the body and her dad is responding slowly to everything. 

She said the cancer has spread to the brain and it makes her dad having some difficulties to talk and to be in a conversation. To be honest with you, when i heard about her dad gets cancer, I feel like the world is a joke. I'm speechless and really feel bad and hurt about it. I met her father couples of time and he is a good man. 

I don't know why it has to happen and i really dont know what to say to her. It's been a really tough time for her family and I cant do anything but to support and cheer her up. She looks strong and calm, and I'm happy that she keeps it that way.

I know it's been hard for her, and she told us she cried a lot as well, but really, we can't do anything about it but hope for the best and pray to God that things are going to be just fine.

Her father will get some cancer treatment tomorrow and will be undergoing a brain cancer operation which is good. The doctor said that the tumor in his head is actually not really hard to be lifted, so we can only hope that the surgery will go well and he can be healthy again.

The doctor said he's got a stage 4 cancer and it's pretty bad. But when God interferes, anything is just possible. I truly believe that God is up there knowing what happen and He will not be quiet and do nothing if we ask for help from him.

God is the higher, the creator, and our Father. I know it seems so easy saying this because im not in her position, but I really know what it feels to be her. My mom once got so sick in the morning that she couldn't stand up and her face was very pale. She shouted for help in the bathroom and we were all cried. 

Seriously, i'm so scared if something happened to my mom. My brother and i took her directly to the nearest hospital and couldn't stop crying all the way. It was bad, really bad. I thought I was gonna lose my mom, I am so helpless. 

Thank God that she got taken care of right away in the hospital and the doctor said that she's just too tired and need to rest. I am very relieved that she's alright. Since that moment, I know how it feels to almost lose something that is very important in my life. I know that i really need to appreciate my mom and show love and care to her even more. 

Things can go wrong anytime. You see, as I grow older, I realize that i have to be more loving towards my parents. It's just natural instinct I guess. You know that your parents are so important in your life and all you want to do is to make them happy for the rest of their life.

I could only pray to God that everything is going to be alright. I shall have no fear and shall keep my faith stronger and my hope bigger.

Nothing really matters

Your mind, your thoughts, your feelings are an illusion. This life is an illusion.. 

Nothing in this world really matter. You wanna have this and that, and right after you get it, you want something else co you're not happy. We know we're just feeding our ego but we still cant seem to stop the habit. 

Our being, which is always still and silence, knows this. It doesnt feel sad or happy, it doesn't get hurt! Why couldnt we just trust the truth and let go and not be scared of anything anymore.

Fear is also our delusion, it doesnt exost but we don't believe it.

Everyday of my life i am trying to remind myself about beingness, no self. I should say that it's really not easy sumtimes bcoz my mind, my thoughts and my ego are tricking me nonstop. I hated it and i know i shouldnt. 

The answer is in me. The consciousness that's given by God's grace. Let the being be.

Take me to where You are

I can only wish that i could die before i die.. You know, let go of the hurt, accept all the pain. 

I wish i could really meet you in person God. I wish i could ask you did we get to choose our family or you chose them for each one of us for a reason? 

I really wish you could meet me in a dream and really tell me that everything is going to be ok. That im not gonna be like this forever. My faith is so small and im not a good person, but i really wish to experience Grace and true joy and happiness.

You must hv known what i really want in life God. 

The eternal stillness and silence.

My Best

At last.

I haven't been writing for almost 2 years. For the last one and a half year, there are so many things has happened. I've been in a relationship with the same guy I dated back in the early 2013. It's been an amazing journey with him, there's been ups and downs of course, but overall I'm really happy that I got the chance to meet him and get to know this person. I have to admit though, it wasn't really easy at first, we fight a lot and it's really seemed to be taking our positive energy out of the frame. But above all that, I find peace and real comforts in him, I know that he completes me and filled in the blank in me. I am not perfect myself, I made lots of mistakes, and I am trying to be a better person each day not only for people around me but for myself. 

I know I've been such a really hard person to handle, to even deal with, but through getting and finding the Truth, I will not be the same person anymore.

Through this guy, I've learnt a lot, not only because he introduces me to such things called spirituality, but through our relationship, we've been discovering truth together and it's really amazing how when two people meet and talk the same language. =)

Trouble sleeping

Bad things happened. And im still feeling so unease... All past memories is haunting me down like crazy. I wish there's a memory cleaning machine to erase all of it...

counting down

o well well well. 

im counting down to my 23rd birthday.

frankly i feel quite nervous right now, i dont know why. it's not like im getting a car from my parents or something.

but still, im nervous. haha. so lame

i know i know, it will be just like another day, nothing really special is gonna happen.. but do you remember when you're a kid and you're getting all so excited about your birthday. the celebrations, the family and friends gathering! all the glitters and presents. 

it's the feeling that you get to feel once a year. :) so here i am, a really ordinary girl who just living her ordinary life.. trying to enjoy and cherish every moment of her life..

so, cheers to being 23! xoxo :* =)

Thankful

hello.

wow, it's been a while my dear blog.

i can't believe im actually going to be a 23rd years old woman by this end of August. yes, 23! i know it's not that old, but still it creeps me out to grow older.

there are lots of things thats been going on! first of all, i wanna tell you that 2012 has been a great year for me so far! i've met such a very special man. we've been together for 8 months now and i'm just content with everything. though im kinda having troubles with staying positive and staying in the present moment. something that im still working on. 

should tell you it's not that easy to stay positive all the time, not being jealous or overprotective biat*h. haven't i tell you that i think im a bit possessive kind of girl, especially when im in love. and im just so in love with him. crackety pie. sigh

anyways, im in an intership programme right now! finally after all these years waiting to be officially done with college and start working is happening! im working in Pansophia Indonesia right now. it's a non profit organization and really cares about the education of kids in Indonesia. it's a really cool place to work! i love this place. you can check it out http://www.pansophiaindonesia.org/ 

im so thankful for what i have right now, i know it's not that perfect. but to be alive itself has been one of the greatest gift from God. being 23 is another wake up call to improve myself, to be a better person. i have a lot to work on, im widely aware that im always being negative almost all the time. i love to be in pain, it's kind of addicted. and im worried all the time, it's torturing me! i just wanna be positive.

spreading the positive vibe to the people around me. and stop giving them hard times especially my love ones. 

looking forward to being 23! =)

counting down xmas day

readers, let's be excited coz christmas is coming! i dont know why im so excited about christmas. well, maybe it means holiday is coming and new year is close too. eventho my family doesnt celebrate it, i still get the whole vibe thing of christmas. well as we know that christmas is an event where you meet your friends, enjoying dinner, exchanging gifts, feeling grateful for life, etc. everyone is waiting for christmas time to come, lets be merry and be joyful!! i think im gonna celebrate this year's xmas by having a fancy dinner with my best girlfriends. 


i just want this year to be more special than any other year. i want it to be unforgettable for every each one of us. i mean why not we make it special it's once in a year event and everyone's loving it. but the thing is i dont even know the place to celebrate it yet. well i'll figure it out later. i dont have any specific wish list for this xmas, i just want my life to be better and full of loving and caring people. i want to live my life with no regrets although it's a very hard one. and i just want the world to gets better and better, no more disaster. and this xmas, i wont give out xmas cards for everyone. i'll give only to some of my closest friends and family.

he's cute and he's mine

readers, i'm going to tell you about my cute little dog. Well, my dog's name is Sunday. He's a shitshu and he's 11 months. I love him very much because he's my first dog (I hope he will be the last). Anyway, I bought him earlier this year on February, 13th 2010 from a friend's friend. His face looks old just like a grandpa, but I fell in love the first time i saw him. So, I made this huge decision to buy him without even telling my dad. My dad was so angry and still is. but my mom looks like she loves him.

Sunday was so calm and quiet the first day he came. I think he's a little depressed. At first, I didn't know how to take care of him, so I bought him milk, dog foods and lots of treats and bones for him to chew. I was so panicked when he cried at night so I accompanied him downstairs until he's asleep. It was a torment. I think the portion of my attention to him is a little too much. the torment wasn't over until he finally peed and pooped everywhere. and oh he even ate his own poop. Eww I know it's so disgusting but u kno what, it was also so frustrating for me to taking care of him. hundreds of time i kept telling myself to stay put because i kno ive to get thru this process no matter how i hate it.

It wasn't easy teaching him how to sit, spin, and shake hands. But finally, after a very long time, he could do it. It's a tearjerking moment for me when he could do those moves. Seriously, I was very very happy and so proud of him. My brothers and my sisters love him that much and they taught him so many things too and always play with him. Everyone loves sunday except my dad. Well, I think he just need more time or maybe not, maybe he'll hate sunday forever. The problem is he hates animal because he said it's dirty, full of bacteries and they always pooped everywhere they like. well, he got quite a point though, but still.. i can never let sunday go.. 

anyway, sunday is an energetic and a hyper dog. he barks so loud lately and i hate it so much! but i like when we play fetch cause he's so good at it, i'd throw a doll to sumwhere far and hide and he'll be lookin for me.aww he's so cute when he does that. sunday likes meeting new people, he'll be outta control sumtimes and jump so hyperly to the new people. well, it's so annoying and i know it scares the hell outta people. lol. almost all my friends love him. I'm so glad I have him u kno coz he filled my house with happiness and fun. I would take him for grooming every once in a week, just making sure he's clean and smells good. also, when I have spare time in the afternoon, I would bring him for a walk. the neighbors, securities, and kids around my home know his name. He's pretty popular here. Some neighbor would ask me questions about him and playing around with him. He's like the prince of this little street. 

above is some of the pics of my lil sunday. xoxo